Archive | March, 2016


26 Mar

They bring no relief.  They hurt, ripping themselves from my blurry eyes like barbed wire, falling down my burning face like rivers of hopelessness and the state of being alone.  I am alone now.  Matthew was my life, and he is dead and I am alone.  I don’t want to share myself with anyone else – unless it’s him.

God, I tried to make deals with You, they’ve gone unanswered.  Didn’t you let your own Son defeat death?  Why can’t you do it for my love?  My love for him is as true as yours for your Son, why can’t you bring Matthew back???

Now I know I’m slipping into that insane place where you think the dead will live again.




21 Mar


Matthew Alan Green 31/1/79 – 19/2/16

^C63E26D059DDFCB6008FAAA1461534522F5BF366BCFF45A3FB^pimgpsh_fullsize_distrOh yes, I remember now…’re in the universal galaxies surrounding me, you’re part of where you came from, you’re in the stars now.  COME BACK!!  This was not supposed to happen my love.  You were not supposed to die before me.

That last final day and night together in your UK flat, I came across the ocean to sit with you and laugh at our good fortune.  Money, love, joy, all we could want, and soon we would make it more real than reality.  We were finally going to do everything we talked of.  See the pyramids.  Go to Belgium again.  Visit Paris at night.  I never saw you so gentle and sweet, so kind and caring!  Did  you know something?  Why did you ask if I’d go to your funeral?  Did you understand I was not really serious?  I thought you had years, I thought we both did.

This guilt is so painful, the tears won’t cease,  they are ripping me apart my dear friend.  HAUNT ME please haunt me for whatever days I’ve left so I can feel something of your uniqueness in my orbit.  For now, I’ve lost my compass, I’m spinning in space with no compass no direction no balm for this hurt and no Matthew to call and rescue me.  No Matthew – ever again.

I’ve asked many about this thing, this grief, this mourning, this sorrow so strong it has a life an energy a power and it won’t leave me time to rest.  I can’t sleep or eat I can’t use one moment without it being taken by your memory.  They say this will pass – they say time will heal me.  They all say such comforting things which bring nothing at all to my heart.  I know they mean to help me.   People are so kind when you hurt.

All the deals I made with God have gone unanswered.

Your ashes will live in the Wetherby pond you loved so much, before the attack which took so much, yet brought us closer in this decade.  You’ll like it there.  All your family and friends are still dumbstruck but trying hard to honor you as best they can.  I cannot bring myself to go back to the UK for this.  I will not say goo-bye, I cannot do it I will not do it I will live with this pain as my punishment for not saving your life  – somehow.

Your Mum says at least you were with me when it happened.  Your best friend and soul’s mate, as you were mine.  Maybe she’s right.  Yet I see no “at least” in any of this, only confusion and deep deep guilt.  Hurtful, torturous guilt I am loathe to abandon.   This pain and loneliness is, after all, what I deserve.

Your heart will go on and on…….in mine.  I LOVE YOU.