21 Mar


Matthew Alan Green 31/1/79 – 19/2/16

^C63E26D059DDFCB6008FAAA1461534522F5BF366BCFF45A3FB^pimgpsh_fullsize_distrOh yes, I remember now…..you’re in the universal galaxies surrounding me, you’re part of where you came from, you’re in the stars now.  COME BACK!!  This was not supposed to happen my love.  You were not supposed to die before me.

That last final day and night together in your UK flat, I came across the ocean to sit with you and laugh at our good fortune.  Money, love, joy, all we could want, and soon we would make it more real than reality.  We were finally going to do everything we talked of.  See the pyramids.  Go to Belgium again.  Visit Paris at night.  I never saw you so gentle and sweet, so kind and caring!  Did  you know something?  Why did you ask if I’d go to your funeral?  Did you understand I was not really serious?  I thought you had years, I thought we both did.

This guilt is so painful, the tears won’t cease,  they are ripping me apart my dear friend.  HAUNT ME please haunt me for whatever days I’ve left so I can feel something of your uniqueness in my orbit.  For now, I’ve lost my compass, I’m spinning in space with no compass no direction no balm for this hurt and no Matthew to call and rescue me.  No Matthew – ever again.

I’ve asked many about this thing, this grief, this mourning, this sorrow so strong it has a life an energy a power and it won’t leave me time to rest.  I can’t sleep or eat I can’t use one moment without it being taken by your memory.  They say this will pass – they say time will heal me.  They all say such comforting things which bring nothing at all to my heart.  I know they mean to help me.   People are so kind when you hurt.

All the deals I made with God have gone unanswered.

Your ashes will live in the Wetherby pond you loved so much, before the attack which took so much, yet brought us closer in this decade.  You’ll like it there.  All your family and friends are still dumbstruck but trying hard to honor you as best they can.  I cannot bring myself to go back to the UK for this.  I will not say goo-bye, I cannot do it I will not do it I will live with this pain as my punishment for not saving your life  – somehow.

Your Mum says at least you were with me when it happened.  Your best friend and soul’s mate, as you were mine.  Maybe she’s right.  Yet I see no “at least” in any of this, only confusion and deep deep guilt.  Hurtful, torturous guilt I am loathe to abandon.   This pain and loneliness is, after all, what I deserve.

Your heart will go on and on…….in mine.  I LOVE YOU.


8 Responses to “WHERE ARE YOU LOVE?”

  1. becko42 March 21, 2016 at 6:25 am #

    I really feel for you. Noone can say anything to make it better, but i hope u have people around u in this darkest of times

    • Catherine Rapicano March 21, 2016 at 6:29 am #

      Thank you, I do have caring family and friends yet the nature of this grief is such that one only wants to isolate and can hardly speak anyway. When it’s a close friend it’s har6d enough but a soul mate’s death is almost impossible to handle. One just has to trust it will be less painful someday, someway. Thank you!

      • becko42 March 21, 2016 at 6:35 am #

        I cant even imagine wat that is like. I lost my mum suddenly six years ago when i was pregnant, and that was horrific enough. The only thing i can say is you eventually find a way to live with the grief and it slowly becomes less acute. I wish you love and luck

    • Catherine Rapicano March 26, 2016 at 3:42 am #

      thank you for expressing your feelings, I’m really not sure which way my mind and soul will go, but my heart is completely broken and I know I can never heal, not truly. Sometimes I guess a loss is just too great for some to endure. I was never strong anyway.
      I just noticed I seem to have 2 accounts here, and I have no idea how I did that lol losing my mind in the midst of mourning. Hope your life is treating you well…..

      • becko42 March 26, 2016 at 4:40 am #

        I cant begin to imagine how painful it is for you. Thankyou for your kind words on my blog, i can only hope that my writings of my raw grief bring you some small measure of comfort x

      • Catherine Rapicano March 26, 2016 at 4:47 am #

        They do help. Truly.

  2. Cathrin March 21, 2016 at 6:53 am #

    Yes, I’ve just read a bit about that loss you endured – as I did – seems we both know too much about sorrow. I lost mine 7 years ago but somehow, her “presence” has been with me the whole time. I can see you have many around you to keep you upright, that’s good to hear. You write very well, it’s in a friendly narrative easy to stay with. Your prose is also quite good! I plan to read more, it’s really inspiring. Thanks. ☼

    • Catherine Rapicano March 26, 2016 at 4:22 am #

      P.S. To becko, I’m not sure why but I’m here as both Catherine Rapicano (my nmae) and Cathrin (me again). If you see either name, it’s still me. I have to figure this out, hope it didn’t confuse you. I think I opened an account years ago and forgot, then opened a new one with another email – not sure. Just so you know….thanks.

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