Sometimes I feel like I’m under all that ice. Isn’t it spectacular how wind, rain and freezing cold all conspired to create this strange sculpture? It looks alien. So much like the way I feel …. sometimes.
You should know right off that this post is about me, and what I’ve been dealing with. I’ve recently lost a brother, two weeks later a sister, a few months after that, my only true, most beloved friend and love, and I’ve been distracted. I wrote about them here, I described what it was like just to lift my dying sister who had turned into a skeletal stranger I resented for being someone I didn’t recognize. I described loving my Matthew, the man I centered my life on, the man I invested a future in, the man who connected me to the world I wanted. They’re all gone. Gone. But life wasn’t done with me…..
Depression. Deep and dark. I am disabled in my legs and cannot work, I have to collect disability and live in subsidized housing. That’s as far as I’ll go in the boring tale of my physical woes. So I don’t even have the distraction of working. I don’t like this life, I don’t smile at people anymore, I don’t care for my little few possessions and I talk to nothing but empty air.
So I just felt like venting and I came here. Talking to something that isn’t alive. Almost like me. It seems there’s a shortage of people with compassion out there so I don’t trust confiding too much. I’ll say only that without those I love, I have to wonder if I can find a reason to stay here.
I have to wonder…..