Okay so I have 2WordPress sites, that’s weird. I don’t have the patience to work this out, you can see it in my picture. I’ll stay here.
Remember when we talked about 2016 like we’re talking now about 2017? Think it’ll be a shitty year too? So many died. Dead. Why do I have 2 WordPresses.
Some of you will know right away that this is a crap post, I have nada to say and now that my lover is DEAD, no one to really want to say it to. Now don’t be mistaken, I like you always have, but this sucks, this new year as if counting up time will make a difference. The Mayans counted down time, they saw things differently.
Watch – in 2018 I’ll be celebrating the end of a year with champagne and celebration, friends maybe, and hope…..again.
This is not Xmas it’s hell. Everyday is the same sad place without you. Hollow, empty, blurred by constant tears. Now John has died. There’s a hurricane in my heart and I pray for this all to end. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sometimes I feel like I’m under all that ice. Isn’t it spectacular how wind, rain and freezing cold all conspired to create this strange sculpture? It looks alien. So much like the way I feel …. sometimes.
You should know right off that this post is about me, and what I’ve been dealing with. I’ve recently lost a brother, two weeks later a sister, a few months after that, my only true, most beloved friend and love, and I’ve been distracted. I wrote about them here, I described what it was like just to lift my dying sister who had turned into a skeletal stranger I resented for being someone I didn’t recognize. I described loving my Matthew, the man I centered my life on, the man I invested a future in, the man who connected me to the world I wanted. They’re all gone. Gone. But life wasn’t done with me…..
Depression. Deep and dark. I am disabled in my legs and cannot work, I have to collect disability and live in subsidized housing. That’s as far as I’ll go in the boring tale of my physical woes. So I don’t even have the distraction of working. I don’t like this life, I don’t smile at people anymore, I don’t care for my little few possessions and I talk to nothing but empty air.
So I just felt like venting and I came here. Talking to something that isn’t alive. Almost like me. It seems there’s a shortage of people with compassion out there so I don’t trust confiding too much. I’ll say only that without those I love, I have to wonder if I can find a reason to stay here.
I have to wonder…..
They bring no relief. They hurt, ripping themselves from my blurry eyes like barbed wire, falling down my burning face like rivers of hopelessness and the state of being alone. I am alone now. Matthew was my life, and he is dead and I am alone. I don’t want to share myself with anyone else – unless it’s him.
God, I tried to make deals with You, they’ve gone unanswered. Didn’t you let your own Son defeat death? Why can’t you do it for my love? My love for him is as true as yours for your Son, why can’t you bring Matthew back???
Now I know I’m slipping into that insane place where you think the dead will live again.
Matthew Alan Green 31/1/79 – 19/2/16
Oh yes, I remember now…..you’re in the universal galaxies surrounding me, you’re part of where you came from, you’re in the stars now. COME BACK!! This was not supposed to happen my love. You were not supposed to die before me.
That last final day and night together in your UK flat, I came across the ocean to sit with you and laugh at our good fortune. Money, love, joy, all we could want, and soon we would make it more real than reality. We were finally going to do everything we talked of. See the pyramids. Go to Belgium again. Visit Paris at night. I never saw you so gentle and sweet, so kind and caring! Did you know something? Why did you ask if I’d go to your funeral? Did you understand I was not really serious? I thought you had years, I thought we both did.
This guilt is so painful, the tears won’t cease, they are ripping me apart my dear friend. HAUNT ME please haunt me for whatever days I’ve left so I can feel something of your uniqueness in my orbit. For now, I’ve lost my compass, I’m spinning in space with no compass no direction no balm for this hurt and no Matthew to call and rescue me. No Matthew – ever again.
I’ve asked many about this thing, this grief, this mourning, this sorrow so strong it has a life an energy a power and it won’t leave me time to rest. I can’t sleep or eat I can’t use one moment without it being taken by your memory. They say this will pass – they say time will heal me. They all say such comforting things which bring nothing at all to my heart. I know they mean to help me. People are so kind when you hurt.
All the deals I made with God have gone unanswered.
Your ashes will live in the Wetherby pond you loved so much, before the attack which took so much, yet brought us closer in this decade. You’ll like it there. All your family and friends are still dumbstruck but trying hard to honor you as best they can. I cannot bring myself to go back to the UK for this. I will not say goo-bye, I cannot do it I will not do it I will live with this pain as my punishment for not saving your life – somehow.
Your Mum says at least you were with me when it happened. Your best friend and soul’s mate, as you were mine. Maybe she’s right. Yet I see no “at least” in any of this, only confusion and deep deep guilt. Hurtful, torturous guilt I am loathe to abandon. This pain and loneliness is, after all, what I deserve.
Your heart will go on and on…….in mine. I LOVE YOU.
Early lyrics I’m saving for a song I’m writing, almost done.
“The nightmare starts when I wake up,
in a cold sweat,
on a hot hot summer’s day-
light all around me,
it surrounds me, in its embrace….
and I begin to sway ….
Sway to the image in my nighmare, which I brought back,
from the depths of a deep deep sleep-
ing with my nightmare, and the deafening sounds of
no one, anywhere….
The emptiness is familiar, it knows me and it shows me what I missed – when my eyes were open, so I close them – to find my better bliss.
The nightmare starts when I wake up – the nightmare starts when I wake up – the nightmare starts when I wake up.”
CH: Downscale with *Am, G, F, E7, ad lib chords to melody
N: d (the) eee eage, egfd, cde,e,ed#e (day)
e(light) eeage, egfd, ccde – eeded3ed3 e(sway)